So much has happened in the past year. Every now and then I’d come back and read what I’ve written over the years and be content with the growth I see in myself. But for some reason now, it all seems so foreign. Like it had been written by someone else. Where did that person go?
I always thought after getting past my mid-20s I’d somewhat figured out how to navigate life. But truth is, I’m turning 27 this year and I’ve never felt more uncertain.
I find myself going back to the days of my younger 20s to try and relive the feelings; what was it like then? What was going through my head at that time? Was I always this restless and uncertain?
Another thing that constantly plays in my head is the resentment I hold towards myself for falling into depression. Why did I allow myself to spiral down that way? I wish every day that things could go back to the way it was before. Even after having gone through it and coming out better, things seem different now. Like life has lost its glow. Its beauty tarnished. Everything feels too raw and real.
Part of me thinks that this is probably irreversible. It’s either improvise or settle from here on. But I don’t like settling so I’ve been trying to improvise life as much as I can. From quitting my job to going for yoga to eating healthier, it’s been more of taking things one step at a time than looking at the bigger picture.
But it is a struggle. It’s hard not to think ahead. Especially when I’m nearing my 30s and I want to achieve things I’ve set out for myself. It’s a challenge and one that I never thought I’d have to face.
Still I try to stay optimistic and tell myself that I’ve come through so far and somewhere deep inside I kinda feel that we’re almost near the end.